Tuesday, September 1, 2009

my new blog


Friday, August 14, 2009

I can't cut down calories

I tried to do 1000-1500 calories the last two days and I exercised by going for an hours walk each day but I still ended up binging which took it up to 3000 calories each day. I really hated myself for it. The guilty feeling came over me when I had salad for dinner from a full stomach and I lost control. I wish I didn't do this. It is the cause of all my hopelessness in weight loss. Also when I eat - even until I am full, I find myself hungry again in an hour with the same feeling empty stomach feeling, does anyone else have that?
In the last month I have put on about 10 pounds from eating normally. I am 198lbs. I wish I could eat healthy and people who keep telling me to obviously don't have a difficult relationship with food, they really should not assume everyone has the same. I'm in dire need of inspiration and advice which isn't the same typical stuff.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


As disgusting as this looks I have to admit I'm not far off, if you can imagine 187 pounds on a 5'8'' frame its not pretty.

I really need to get my life together and losing weight is a big part of it. If I could just get rid of 20 pounds asap it would make a world of difference.

I've lost it before I used to be 217 pounds 4 years ago but I've taken so long to lose it like 5 pounds at a time that no one ever noticed except for a couple of friends I met up with after not seeing them for a year.

I don't even know why I binge it doesn't even feel good anymore. I have to say starving is feels way better.

Starting from this second I am going to fast until Saturday night -where I'll take a break for a party with alcohol. Then I will fast again until Tuesday. It will be easy too, my parents are away so they won't be able to tempt me with food. And I need money so I'm not going to waste it on takeaway and save what they give me.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I hate myself I was like 'one piece of bread won't hurt' but then I had two more right after stupid stupid me. This will be my maximum calorie intake for the day.

I'm going to take my dog for a walk as soon as the sun comes out. I hate taking him for walks because be pulls too much so I get tired and want to go home early. I plan to go for a hour but end up going for 25 minutes.

Should clean my room too. The parentals keep buggin me about it. It will help keep my mind off food atleast.

I'll come back later to update my day...I think it'll be a good one.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

my fat stomach

89 kilos. This is what my stomach looks like.
How the hell did I get here...the last two days I over ate as if I didn't care about my weight and it was stupid because I put on 4-5 kilos. And I can really see it my body has expanded so much in the mirror. Tomorrow its a fast. I hope people at school don't notice, its not like they would say it to my face but I hate it when you can tell what people are thinking when they look at you. Worse off this guy I'm in love with will be at this party on the 4th of july I'm going to so I have to be thinner by then. Just have to wait until school has finished then I'm going to exercise and become ana again.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Fashion, Glam and Coke

I've never heard or even thought bout a shower making you want to not eat so I'm going to try it now thanks ancora an yasmine!

This video sort of helped too, its so awesome I wanna be one of these girls!!!

On the point of breaking....please don't break, please don't break!

Diet coke has bloated up my belly, and now I have that binging feeling and usually I eat everything in my way till I can stop. I just have to say no, SAY NO!

I can do this! My parents are having fast food for dinner...I will not give in, or all my progress for the last couple of days will be for nothing.

86 Kilos! fuck. Im losing it slowly but atleast Im losing it (pretty sure its water weight too).

It's really hard to stay on track right now because of school but I in two weeks I'll be able to give my body full attention again.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Shout at the devil

Thanks for your comments on the last post. What Laurdy laur said was so helpful, I'm going to keep it in my mind :

''think how amazing it'll feel when you've lost the weight and can turn those guys down''

Today I have done well with my points

Under max intake +10
Exercise +8
8 glasses of water +8
Encouraging teammates (which I still have to do) plan on +5

21 points for the day. Hoorah!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


Today I had a terrible binge. I got my test out of the way so I thought I would celebrate by eating nandos. I hadn't eaten all day so if I hadn't had that I would have done so well. I really am a dumb stupid bitch. I cried for so long after eating, I was about ready to kill myself. If I would take it that far to make being thin be the whole worth of my life then why do I binge so bad everyday.

87 kilos. I am a fat bitch. I think that guy turning me down has really put a toll on me. I'm never going to lose weight because everyday I am going to binge and say ''I'll start the diet tomorrow.'' Which means I'll never have a boyfriend because lets face it guys are superficial bastards who won't go out with a fat girl, even a chubby girl.

I was following the weight loss comp, but I fucked it up majorly and gained weight instead of lost. I am going to attempt to get perfect points from this day on. I am going to exercise every single day and I am going to be 69 kilos my short term goal weight. Ultimately I want to weigh what a model weighs 55 kilos.

I was thinking I should give myself rewards every time I reach my goal weight. Clothing, dvds, cds, games things like that. And from now on I am going to take lunch to school and exercise
everyday and have salad every single day.

Wish me luck everyone I need it so bad!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Worst feeling

I went to a party the other day of my friend s* and this guy who is a friend of s* was there, that s* wanted to set me up with. I don't know at all if he was into me, but usually if a guy likes you he'll just make his move. So I'm guessing no.... I'm almost definitely sure it's because of size. He even said he is 160 lbs (I'm 191 and he's way taller than me). I hate myself so much for being fat, I feel so sick today every time I think about the fact that he must of thought ''s* should have told me how fat she was''. I just want to die. I'm not eating the rest of today but from tomorrow I am going to work so hard to get my weight down. I'm going to try and reach maximum points on the weight loss competion. This is true motivation. I hate how many times I have been turned down by guys. I'm a 21 year old fat virgin loser who needs to lose weight if I want anything out of life.

Monday, May 25, 2009


I've been reading everybody's blogs for a while now. So I thought I should make one finally so here it is. I'm really fat! I weigh 191.4 lbs and I'm a size 14. Last year I had lost a size, but I gave up when I got depressed and food and alcohol was my only comfort. And all the weight I lost came back including a size bigger than I was originally.

This time I have to lose it. I don't have a choice. I know it will solve all of my physical problems, here's a list of them:
1. Get a boyfriend (I have never had one, yep I'm sad)
2. Be skinnier than all my friends, who all share clothes and generally just make me feel bad about my weight.
3. Get into drama school at the end of the year.
4. Fit into tiny clothes.
5. Get my mum off my back about my size.
6. Be actually considered good looking, rather that people only seeing fat when they see me.
7. Have a flat stomach
8. have a bikini body